我如何讓我的女友理解她的話傷害了我的感情?


2

我(男)在我二十多歲的時候,現在的女友也是如此,我們在一起已經快一年了。直到最近,我們的關係基本上沒有問題。

但是,幾天前,她向我提到(我們在談論性時,但我沒有直接問過這件事),她曾經遇到過的最好的性愛經歷是與一個只有一次性交的老人但誰仍然是她每兩個星期與她交談一次的朋友之一。她很快補充說,她從來沒有,也從未對這個男人有任何浪漫的感覺,而且她不認為他在身體上比我更有吸引力。

在過去的幾天裡,這極大地困擾了我(也許是不合理的),因為我覺得這句話是毫無根據的和傷害性的,因為她也沒有提供任何關於為什麼我沒有提供同樣水平的滿意度的解釋,被否認我建議的任何明顯的肢體或情感解釋,當我嘗試再次提出該主題時,都會做出不屑一顧甚至被冒犯的反應(即"當您不安全時我不喜歡它")。

我對此感到不安,特別是因為對我(因此我假設幾乎所有女性)來說,性和愛緊密相連,以至於我擔心她可能不會像我以前想像的那樣對我產生情感上的吸引。

我想讓她停止與這個人說話,因為他們似乎並沒有很親密,直到她提供一個解釋之前,我覺得我否則會開始懷疑這之間還有(也許正在)發生更多的事情。他們比她要承認我。

我想知道的是以下內容:

  • 我如何讓我的女朋友理解為什麼這傷害了我的感情?
  • 我怎麼能告訴她,如果她不與他保持聯繫而不離開她,我會更願意嗎?
2

How can I make my girlfriend understand why this has hurt my feelings?

Tell her what you told us.

I have an uneasy feeling about this particularly because for me (and so I assumed almost all women), sex and love are strongly connected such that I fear that she might not be as emotionally attracted to me as I had thought.

Then tell her you want to have a more honest/in-depth conversation about the topic, if that'll help you. But also make sure you understand why this has hurt your feelings.

It seems your hurt comes from the realization that you are not the best lover your partner has ever had, which does make you sound insecure. It also seems like you think that quality of sex is linked to depth of love, which it is not. Sex is a learned skill, and people who have a lot of experience often outperform those who don't have it. That's not really a problem though; she seems to love you enough to help you get that experience.

You're better off asking her for confirmation of that part. I've had a lover who had tons of experience, and she was very good at reaffirming that even though I'm not very experienced, she loved me deeply and that mattered way more to her than the better sex she had with some other guys.

It's also why I say you should make sure you understand where the hurt is coming from. It appears to be an insecurity on your end.

How can I tell her that I would prefer if she did not stay in touch with this friend without coming off as controlling?

You don't. Trying to tell a partner who they can or cannot have as a friend is a huge red flag in terms of controlling / toxic behavior and you probably don't want to go there.

Especially since the problem exists within you, not between the two of them. They don't seem to be doing anything wrong.

If you suspect something is up between them, you're better off just bringing that up in conversation. Ask her about the kind of (friendly) relationship she has with the other man. And then decide if you trust her, or if you don't. Trying to control people because you don't trust them is counterproductive.


7

(Addressing only the first question, as Erik above has already given a good answer to the second.)

How can I make my girlfriend understand why this has hurt my feelings?

I'm not sure if this is really the right question, as in you comments and background info you seem to be more concerned about the fact that your gf hasn't given any explanation as to why the other man was a "better" lover. So perhaps a better question would be, How can I open a line of communication with my girlfriend about how to improve our sexual experiences?

First off, has your gf ever given you any feedback before on how to improve sexually? Based on your description, I'm going to hazard a guess that she is one of those people who is reluctant to give pointers to partners for fear of awkwardness or embarrassment.

The best thing for you to do is to openly ask her (at some relevant time, perhaps after you've shared some sexual tidbit about yourself that she didn't previously know) "Hey, is there anything in particular you want me to do for you?". Don't mention the other guy at all, just focus on you and her. Hopefully she mentioned the bit about him as a subtle way to open the door for you guys to communicate more about sex, and will be happy that you opened this line of communication.

The important thing to keep in mind is that the quality of sex is something to be worked on over time, not just "oh he's good/not good in bed". You've been together for less than a year, it's highly unlikely that you've managed to learn every sexual quirk about each other. Sex will get better faster if you openly discuss it, even though it might be a little awkward at first. Also, even though you say you have a lot of experience, as someone in his early twenties the amount of experience you have is quite likely to be less than a significantly older person. The best thing is to focus your efforts on improving the sexual experience for her specifically (because people are different!), rather than hope that the random experiences you've had happen to apply to her as well.