承擔死者意圖的人


12

背景:

我的母親在1.5年前死於癌症。我今年31歲,一直是媽媽的男孩,對此我感到自豪,我是一個非常出色的廚師,我可以織襪子等。

自從我媽媽去世以來,我確實在某些地方一直缺乏,主要是社交和照看我的花園。我現在要開始備份,人們會說"您的媽媽會感到驕傲"或"您的媽媽會很高興看到那個"或類似的東西。

雖然我確實認為我的媽媽仍在監視我,但除了我父親(丈夫)以外,任何承擔我媽媽的事情對我來說都是極其傷害的。

我確實知道我一直很難與他們交談,並且那些人試圖支持我,但實際上,他們通過假設我的母親而傷害了我。如果他們把我媽媽排除在外,我將非常感謝他們的稱讚。

我該如何輕輕地告訴他們讓我媽媽不被他們誇獎?

3

People can't read thoughts and can't really know what are things that could comfort you through grief. Usually people either copy what is the social norm where you live by in expressing condolences, or they try to say things they would imagine be supportive in your situation.

If this is in your location a common way to express support and condolence, you will have a tough time in spreading the news that you don't want it to be expressed that way. Moreover correcting people is going to be a bit confrontational as it is ending in a request for them to stop something, and can be seen a bit like a demand in the NVC sense.

It is possible to request that though. Since you want to be gentle (I understand, avoid conflict), I believe NVC is a fine tool, and it would advise there to express your request positively (request to do something instead of stopping something). This is an example using a bit of deception, but firm enough to hint someone a praise wording isn't appropriate:

This is a difficult/painful subject and I would prefer we speak about something else.

You could be also more precise according to how much you are comfortable with that:

I don't like one assumes my mom's intention. Could you praise me directly next time ?

I would expect most people to understand and respect your request even if it could be that some people don't understand why expression of their good feelings got rejected. Since I'm not sure explaining your reasons would help very much, you could instead close the subject with a reassuring statement that you appreciate the intention to support you they had.