背包旅行時如何建立休閒關係?


8

我是一個24歲的加拿大男子,正在國外度過很長的假期。我遇到的大多數人來自英國,德國和愛爾蘭。我所在的國家無關緊要,因為我很少在旅館裡遇到來自這個國家的人。

由於原教旨主義的宗教教養(我現在已經放棄了)和輕度的阿斯伯格綜合症(我通常可以掩蓋而不會影響我),直到2018年初,我都沒有做出認真的努力我對整個事情一無所知,但我一直在閱讀並認真地進行自我完善。它取得了一些成功,但我仍然從未親吻過或做過愛。

我在旅館的約會策略是和一個女孩聊天,如果她看起來很友善,那就請她喝咖啡。這還行不通。我第一次嘗試,她告訴我"我不和旅館裡的人約會",然後幾天后,她和那裡的另一個人開始了一個休閒的,戀人般的戀愛關係。當我面對她時,她說實際上她拒絕了我,因為"你在尋找愛"。兩天前發生了幾乎相同的事情:她拒絕了我,因為她想成為自由的靈魂,但是當我問她是否可以和旅館的某個人同床時,她說:"是的,如果我們有聯繫的話。"

我的朋友回到家告訴我"在旅社中的女孩和女孩中-他們並沒有計劃將其定為長期婚姻,有時性只是性行為。太好了,現在我該如何開始一段非長期婚姻呢?明確地說,我願意接受短期約會。在我的位置上,我會採取任何措施。

TL; DR我想和旅館的女生們約會。我希望一些嚴肅的事情,但我願意隨便一些。當我以我目前的方式要求他們離開時,他們說我以為我想要嚴肅的事情。我該如何開始一些隨意的事情?

這不是this question的副本。儘管確實包含了一些有用的建議,但我卻遇到了完全相反的問題:我希望建立認真的戀愛關係,但是我遇到的女性卻不想要一個。另外,我想更詳細地了解建立休閒夥伴關係的過程。

4

Read the Hints

For my mild colorblindness, I check with other people, “What color would you call this?” And for your mild Asperger’s, you might do the same. So if you’re asking what others see in your scenarios, I will offer my analysis. You are free to disagree.

Starting a Relationship

“My dating strategy … have a few conversations with a girl, and if she seems reasonably friendly then ask her out to coffee.” This is a good start if you keep watching for your hints in the social cues.

Social Cues

"I don't date people from the hostel" = I am not interested in dating you (The hint was trying to find a superficial excuse to say no, then “started a casual, summer-lover relationship with a different guy.”)

"You're looking for love" = I am not interested in dating you. (The hint was the superficial excuse. I’d accept the no disappointedly and move on.)

“She wants to be a free spirit” = I am not interested in dating you. (The hint was the superficial excuse.)

“If she'd sleep with someone at the hostel, she said ‘yes, if we had a connection’ ” = Not you.

“I used the word ‘confronted’, but … asked simply ‘Did you tell me the truth?’ " This is confrontational in two ways: it was in public and not built into a conversation you were having.

To learn more social cues is to learn from others, thus to compensate for how you see things, and thus to live happier.

Establishing a Casual Partnership

Long-term relationships do not start with a set end in sight. If you are thinking about the tenth date during the first two dates, that dream is not based on the person you are with. It is a fantasy you are entitled to. However, you are not obliged to announce what kind of relationship you want when you cannot know at the beginning.

This system is called staying in the moment. Appreciate the other for their special qualities rather for how they could fulfill your dreams. That is your partnership.


3

I'm autistic and used to backpack a lot. While it might look as I'm on the other side of the issue - passing as female - I've always made the first step in my relationships. Here are a few tips to help you with making meaningful connections with people.

First of all, something's unclear to me. Are you looking for hookups or is your goal to be in a relationship, regardless of how long it will last? I'm unsure which one it is from your question. This is important to me because I wouldn't approach people the same way depending on the situation.

One-time things

If you're looking for hookups you might want to make it clear from the beginning. The issue being, you can't really come to someone and say "hi. You look great. I'd like to have sex with you. You're in?", as we're not really evolving in a society where upfront honesty is encouraged regarding these topics.

What I've done is to mention my travelling plans, making it clear I'm not here for long and won't likely return before a while. Should the person be interested in me too, they'll read that as a hint that I'm not looking for anything serious.

Romantic relationships

If you're looking for romantic relationships instead, I'd encourage you to try to become friends with the person first - it really helps building a trustful relationship and also, I think being friends with your lover really makes the relationship better. In many cultures being upfront about your romantic interest is uncommon so it might look scary for you to be upfront about that. Try to offer to go visit some places instead of going out for coffee - it'll look less like you're trying to date them. Then if after a couple times the connection is still there, you might ask them for a date - you had the time to get to know each other better. If they refuse, try not to take it personally. We don't choose who we fall for. Also, try not to burn bridges with them - you may not have found a lover but you can still be friends? Unless you can't be friends with romantic interests (some people can't), in this case I'd advise you to let them know:

Oh, okay. I might need some time to get over you, please don't take it personally

This is what my best friend told me after he confessed his feelings to me and I said I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with him. It took him some time to get over these feelings but now it's been ten years of a great friendship and I'm glad I have him in my life.

When I met my current partner they were 23 and never had a lover before. After a while they told me they began to feel insecure about it. Please know that it's completely normal and that there is no age at which you should have had sex already or been in a long term relationship. We're all different when it comes to love.

I also think love is a matter of two intersecting prerequisites: it's the right person but also at the right time. Someone might not be interested in relationships by the time you meet them for the first time. That doesn't mean they don't think you're partner material, we just all go through phases where love is not on the table, IMO. I mentioned my best friend earlier, fun fact: I fell from him two years after he confessed his feelings for me. We missed each other once again and that's okay, that's part of what love is.

Believe in yourself, believe that you're an interesting person to be around and it'll already help in making others see that you're a great person that they'd like to get to know better.


1

For me, dating was about getting to know people. I approached everyone with curiosity. My goal was to learn more about them, and see if they wanted to learn more about me. One of three things tended to happen:

  1. I'd meet someone that was interesting, learn about their life, and enjoy the conversation. These were often nice people, but they rarely turned into more than a couple of interactions.
  2. I'd meet someone that I had nothing in common with and pretty quickly end the conversation - no connection.
  3. I'd meet someone that I couldn't stop talking with. Time would fly by, I'd feel connected, and we'd both keep spending time together. These are great when you find them!

I'd just suggest meeting as many people as you can - with no expectations beyond getting to know them. Try this with 10-20 new people and see what happens. You'll learn a lot about other people as well as yourself. Have fun!